Still Finding Ways to be Grateful

Stormy sky. I will NEVER not be grateful for this view, nor tire of it.

When I was in the thick of the end of my marriage I leaned really hard into gratitude practices. I’d done things in the past - one year I wrote down one thing each night in a teeny tiny little book. Another time I made an effort to make a daily mental note of small, everyday things that I was glad I had, like heat and running water. Sometimes I would incorporate gratitude prompts into my meditation or during savasana when I taught group yoga classes.

But when it felt like the world was ending, or at least my world as I’d known it and envisioned it was ending, I started a regular practice of focusing on any good thing that I could. In the beginning it was stuff like my girls don’t know, at last he didn’t give me any STDs, or so glad I have allergies so no one asks about my puffy eyes.

As time went on and the dysfunction and disruption of divorce loomed closer and more real, I came up with a daily mantra that I said over and over and over that gave me such a solid sense of me-ness. It was as if the more I paid intentional attention to the things inside and around me that made my life good, the more I could really see and feel them, the more real they became.

I would say - without even a whiff of sarcasm: I am so grateful for him ending this marriage. I am grateful for the mental and physical challenges it has put in my path. I am grateful for the opportunities those challenges afford, and my willingness to keep moving forward.

And I really worked hard to stay in that frame of mind as much as I could. And it was so. fucking. hard. sometimes.

But the payoff was that the practice of acknowledging those things, calling them to mind repeatedly, very incrementally started to break down some of my ingrained self-directed shit talk. Not that I became my own number one cheerleader or anything, but I was able (and willing!) to give myself grace and compassion which felt new.

Over time the mantra has morphed, shifted, and adapted to what’s most pressing in my life. I may focus on fear: challenge vs threat. Or reminding myself that excitement and anxiety are neighbors. That the act of positive anticipation - looking forward to something, no matter how small - helps boost my mood and soften worry. And so on.

So in these past few weeks, as so many of us have been unwittingly, unwillingly strapped into an out of control tilt-o-whirl at a two-bit carnival, I may be white-knuckling it while gripping the safety bar, but I’m also leaning back into gratitude.

I’ve added to my mantra a line about being grateful to live in this moment in history, being present to all the upheavals and uncertainty, and open to helping however I can. And I remind myself that I am choosing to be here. I have the resources and wherewithal to pack my stuff and hightail it if I truly want to, but for now I choose to be here.

For another day at least. For whatever it’s worth.